Below are sample edits to give you an idea of how I work. I make my edits as “comments” on your manuscript which you can then view through the Track Changes option in Microsoft Word. Working with various authors I have found this works well.
1) Suzette was the first to shake it off.
(NOTE) Reword, try not to end sentences with prepositions. Suzette was the first to shake it off; she realized she wasn’t the only one shocked by Theo’s compliment.
2) The man had gone to work immediately without so much as signing a W4.
(NOTE) Reword: The man had gone to work immediately, without even signing a W4. The way you wrote is a split infinite so, here’s your lessen “without so much as” is a split infinitive you need to drop the “so much as.” Hope this explanation helps you.
3) “Okay, and just so you know, I did not ask you to help because I thought you needed help. I could really use some help, both with work downstairs and maybe when the delivery trucks get here with getting my furniture up to the apartment.
(NOTE) Okay, you used the word “help” three times in two sentences, which is not a good idea. Here’s another way of wording it: “Okay, and just so you know, I didn’t ask for your assistance because I thought you needed help. I could really use an extra pair of hands, both with work downstairs and maybe with getting my furniture up to my apartment when the delivery trucks arrive.
4) He followed the sun’s decent with his eyes.
(NOTE) Spelling: descent
5) You should know better than to fish for compliment from me, Jed Sampson.”
(NOTE) Should be plural “compliments”
6) Of course a sniper would pick tonight.
(NOTE) Insert comma after “course.”
7) Dark, bushy eyebrows, shadowed emerald green eyes that shown like the jewels they resembled when lit by passion, or darkened to a deep forest green when his temper boiled.
(NOTE) Delete comma after “eyebrows.”